Chapter 23 : Walking Through Walls
A Journey of Addiction, Music, Healing, and Rediscovery
Day 23 and 24: Sun - Mon, September 7th - 8th, 2003
Phra Chart Chai has just stopped me in the road outside the Sala and is talking to me about how my stay has been. I’ve heard myself say it a hundred times in the last two days that “My head is in England but my heart is in Thamkrabok”, but this time I can’t stop the tears from welling up in my eyes as I tell him. I’m now standing outside the main monument, which is called the ‘Lak Tam’.
I asked the Thai woman (whom I shall now refer to as ‘my new friend’), if she would let me record her chanting. She agreed and seemed excited.
Natalie came along to help and translate, which is very nice of her, and it makes everything much easier. I’m still a patient at this point and I am not allowed to go alone, so Phra Jan comes along. We walk into the temple and I try the acoustics out, finding that the best sound is coming from the centre. I put a seat out for my new friend and she says a short prayer before the chant. The sound is so hypnotic and the frailty of her voice moves me. I am mesmerised, kneeling in front of her, holding a microphone in the middle of an enormous Buddhist temple, and the sound I am hearing is clearing the clutter of my mind. What I have done to deserve this?
When we finished, I rely on the expression in what I say to her to pay her a compliment about her voice, because the basic Thai that I know would not begin to do justice to my praise. I hope she knows how good she sounds.
I am given the message that today I may check out of the Hay and I can stay at Phra Hans’ house until I go back to England. I say my goodbyes to the other patients. I feel sad about saying goodbye to C, because I’ve kind of nursed her through the beginning of the treatment and I don’t want her to feel abandoned. But as it turns out, Phra Hans says its ok for me to come back in to the treatment area and help her.
‘A’ is also checking out, but going home to France immediately. It’s very emotional to say goodbye. We’ve been each other’s support networks while we’ve been here. All I keep thinking about is when it will be my turn.
After we say goodbye to A, Natalie is amazing in her care for me. She can tell that I am a lost puppy. Now that I am back in my normal clothes, I look very odd, especially the ripped jeans which become the subject of a lot of jokes. It’s a sort of rebirth, but into old clothes. Natalie gets her motorbike and drives me up to my new friend’s place where there are a group of friends playing songs and talking on the porch of her small cosy home. It is the night before her 27th birthday and everyone is seeing it in.
I am in seventh heaven really, playing songs, then listening to Boy (one of the lay people) sing Thai songs. Another monk has arrived, also with a guitar! At five minutes to midnight (just before her birthday), I end up sitting with her and singing the new song I’ve written . I take a deep breath before I explain that I wrote it about her.
Natalie is a real friend and translates my lyrics. There’s a friendly vibe between us all. She makes a few jokes about me which make me laugh. I hope I’ve done the right thing. The last thing I want to do is cause her any unhappiness. Everyone else has left now and the wonderful night is at a close. Natalie is brilliant and takes me back to Phra Hans’ house where I am staying. By Monday morning I am woken up by Natalie who has come to wake me to take me to the abbot’s for breakfast. There is so much food that it is just too much to take in and I only have a little to eat.
It is my new friend’s birthday today and I bump into her in the treatment centre where she’s helping out. I give her the cassette of my songs. She receives the gift well and I don’t want to seem to be pressuring her, so I leave to wander around the monastery on my own. To my surprise, N has come back! I am overjoyed to see him. He has also dragged a prospective patient all the way from Bangkok with him. We are all going up to the Hay for medicine time. N looks after his friend from Bangkok as Natalie and I help C through the vomiting again.
In the evening, I make my way over to Natalie’s where I meet her, Chan, my new friend and N. It’s an odd atmosphere but eventually I feel comfortable. Natalie and Chan are on good form, they get some food for the birthday girl. On her birthday night I did not get a chance to tell her how I felt. Never mind, I think, as I say goodnight and trundle home with N who keeps telling me to ‘get it together’.
Tuesday 8th September
Tuesday morning comes and I decide to go in search of my new friend, even though I can’t remember where her house is. I pick a few white flowers then start walking all the beautiful winding roads that surround the area. At one point I think of giving up, then I ask some Thai lay people sitting on their porch where she lives. In seconds, one of them offers to drive me to her home! I see her on her porch and she invites me in. As usual, I forget to take off my bloody sandals. I go back out and take them off.
We sit and have tea as we watch Phra Peter having his head shaved for the full moon. After a while she says I should go and that I will see her later. I wander off to the edge of the lake and sit down to catch my heart beating. I don’t know what I am feeling but I can feel something coming on and I am emotionally all over the place. I go back to fetch my guitar then make my way back to the lake. I pass Luang Por on the way and he beckons me to sit and play some songs. I play some tracks from the Jocasta album and he orders the nuns to record everything I do. I mention that I would like to come back to Thamkrabok to stay. He asks me to do more tracing for music in the earth. I do this for an hour and complete copies of tree patterns, fallen leaves and a large stone. He then gives me loads of fruit, and I leave. I have uncontrollable feelings in my gut, and as I see monks and laypeople everywhere, I am on the verge of crying again.
Eventually I reach my room and breakdown. I am not unhappy, just aware of everything I do not want to leave behind. After crying for an hour or so, it’s clear to me that something has freed itself from me. I get up and feel great, as if I have made a decision about my life. I look at the picture of Luang Por Yai and say thank you. Then on leaving my room, I think I want to leave Soho and come back to live here somehow.
Stewart’s girlfriend, Joy has received the sad news that her mother has died and a ceremony has been arranged immediately by the high monks. I make my way down to the special temple at the other end of the monastery with my new friend and N. When we get there, it is a beautiful scene and all the monks look stunning in their robes and newly shaved heads. It’s the first time I have been to evening chanting as a non-patient. As I chant along, the the buzzing starts again. My hands are going all buzzy and weird. It also feels like there are mini lightning bolts darting around my forehead. I pay my respects to Joy and her family, although it’s not a sad occasion. It’s a celebration of life. And you can tell because all of Joy’s children are leaping around drinking soft drinks and playing.
Something strange happened after the funeral. I thought I saw Diane, one of the special women who brought me up as a child. She died when I was 13 and I never went to her funeral. I felt her presence here in Thamkrabok. The energy was so good and intense, it was one of those times when you know you don’t have to fight for what you want. As we leave the ceremony, Natalie says she will now translate the letter I have written to my new friend. It’s very good of her because it’s a hard-translating job. As she translates, I watch my new friend’s face. I notice that her expression is equal to the the way I feel - happy, but confused and scared. Chan and Natalie announce they are going to bed. I felt very awkward but she said to me that it is ok to walk her home.
On the walk through the jasmine and little monk houses along the way, she begins to tell me how she thinks it is beautiful when foreigners and Thai people are together. She also asks me if I have children and if I think it’s a good or bad idea for English and Thai people to get together, because it’s often frowned upon in Thailand. I tell her that my parents are from England and India, and that in my mind it is the most beautiful thing in the world to bring different cultures together. She darts a quick look at me in the full moonlight, looks away and beams the daftest smile I have ever seen. We reach her house and before I can say anything, she asks if I would like to come in and listen to some music.
I support these organisations who are shaping a system change to integrate mental health awareness and well-being into the music industry. Please do read about their work.
The Creative Well
Music Mind Matters
Waterbear College of Music