Chapter 12: Walking Through Walls
A Journey of Addiction, Healing, and Rediscovery
Day Twelve: Wednesday August 27th, 2003
Woke up around five thirty feeling very groggy indeed. Nevertheless, I got up and joined my fellow patients in the morning sweep. After getting past the nightmare of actually getting up, it’s a good feeling to be up for the sunrise. I gather up a good pile of leaves, then another, then I hit the sack again and have a dream about visiting Colin, who was working in a shopping centre. When I wake up, I think what a good influence he is on me and would do me good to bear him in mind when I get home.
My body feels peculiar as if the blood in my chest and arms is very heavy and moving around unnaturally. I ask G ( the American ) about what physical effects drugs have on your body and he explains in detail how the neurons that get ruined in the brain, and he also said that it’s not unusual for cigarette smokers to feel no physical change for two weeks after stopping. I suppose it may be similar with crack. The chats I have had with G about the way the body works are very useful and make me believe I can take more control of my body. Straight after our chat I do 60 sit-ups, a few pull-ups and then 10 laps around the compound. I then wash my clothes and sheets and when I brush my teeth I cough up some black stuff which is the most disgusting stuff I’ve ever coughed up. Better out than in though, I suppose. Apparently, the monks are giving us a safe to put in the room for valuables, although I think this bunch of patients are incredibly trustworthy and trusting, at least from what I have observed.
I somehow ended up making breakfast for N, C, K and J, not to mention myself. It’s been a while since I made 5 meals all at once and it was great fun working in the kitchen with Malee, the Thai chef. I’m very peaceful after the day I’ve had.
I worked hard on the second tune from the tree bark and it’s coming together beautifully and mysteriously. I took a sauna with everyone at 1pm then went to relax with C in the sun, doing sit-ups and dancing with the others to reggae. It’s been better today than touring with a band. Really good-natured fun. Miss Rambhai mentioned in passing that apparently, I have been chosen to put Luang Por’s words to music. She is working on the translation. I had been thinking that with the discovery of the music thing here, having nature as a co-writer, felt I had finally found the McCartney to my Lennon. I don’t mean it loftily, it’s just an easy way to describe it. This recent development is taking the comparison a bit far though. Putting the words of one of the wisest Buddhists in South East Asia to music??
At 3pm we all get together to do meditation. I’m not as tuned in as usual because I’ve got a phone call to make to mum.
Anyway, the meditation is still very calming and straight afterwards I hop to the kitchen on my own to make Penne Arrabiata, again, some comforts just won’t go away! Then I take my herbal tablets and go with Jan to the sauna again, so I may have time to do the chanting. Just before we leave for the sauna, I ring mum.
I think I am doing well in explaining what’s going on here, but she becomes irate. I presume it’s a bad moment or she’s feeling bad that she can’t do any more for me. I sigh to myself as I wonder if Mum still holds guilty feelings about her parenting. I hope she does not because whatever resentment I had before is of no relevance now.
My mother has moved every mountain she could for me throughout my life and I will love her forever. It’s a great surprise when she tells me my brother is there. It’s so weird speaking to him. I felt just as I did when I lived in Spain and I would look forward to my weekly phone call to him to ask what music he was listening to or what role-playing game he was playing. It’s the first time I’ve escaped to somewhere without a close friend to watch over me or without a member of my family to be there. I think most people that know me well have already settled on the fact that I will always have the heart of a child, but I hope this short but radical break for independence brings me closer to growing up a bit.
Anyway, my brother sounds very loving and it’s heart-warming to know the whole family are together in Spain. I do miss my nephew and niece more than I did when I was in London. I hope I can see them soon.
There’s been something about my time here that has highlighted the importance of accepting things in life. But since being here, the work that the monastery’s energy has given me has scrapped past the distractions of my character and revealed the part of my nature that has been rusting away.
My own passion to “fight for something’.
But I will learn to accept things in life AND fight to change what I know is wrong. I chose my family, and with enough love I can carry on showing myself why once again.
I had a great blast in the sauna and just made it back for the national anthem. After we finished singing, we all went a bit bonkers dancing to C’s ska/reggae tape. The rest went to sauna and I was left in the room to get ready for chanting. I hung my clothes up to dry then did more exercise, getting slightly irritated that my stomach is still not the brick I want it to be. Phra Richard from Austria is passing and asks if I am going to chanting, I tell him I am, and he offers to accompany me there.
The chanting is as magical as ever and a beautiful crimson butterfly comes into the temple, fluttering between the monks and the nuns and then…it’s gone. I am elated when I leave the temple. When I return to the compound, I have a good chat with N about our concerns about returning home. We both agree on the importance of ‘outdoor life’ because going back to the British Isles, to the central heating and closed doors, from here (where we are 80% of the time outside), it’s something else that can make you feel trapped.
Phra Jan has left the candle I asked for on my bed. After I light it, everyone says my corner of the room looks like a bachelor pad! Suddenly I hear chanting so I go outside and see the monks who live in the room next door, listening to a tape of some chanting. They invite me to sit with them and listen. The first monk I sort of know already, Phra Vicrom, and the second, Phra Tue, is very quiet. Their tape player is playing up so I get the alcohol that N has been using on his injection wounds and clean the tape heads for them. I talk to Phra Vicrom for a while and he seems to be aware of my meeting with Luang Por, so he plays me a tape of the Abbot singing! It’s absolutely stunning and sounds like Qawwali music, but much more gentle and obviously sung in Thai.
I go back to my room, then wonder if they would like to hear Nick Drake, since the singing is very reverent and hypnotic. I also remember reading in his biography that before he died in 1974, he lived a lot like a monk. I go back to the monks and give Phra Vicrom the tape, which he seems very happy about. I explain Nick Drake as best as I can and I think he kind of understands. He gives me the tapes of the Abbot to listen to and we say thank you to each other, and are about to say goodnight when G comes around the corner to tell us that in the sky there is a shining star for all to see and it is called…Mars. I have never seen another planet before and it’s the perfect end to the perfect day. I am excited and could write all night but I have to sweep at 5am. Night night.
I support these organisations who are shaping a system change to integrate mental health awareness and well-being into the music industry. Please do read about their work.
The Creative Well
Music Mind Matters
Waterbear College of Music