Chapter 20: Walking Through Walls

A Journey of Addiction, Music, Healing, and Rediscovery

Day Twenty: Thursday September 4th, 2003

Well today I actually feel like I have achieved 10% of the 100% I am aiming for with regard to being aware and mindful. I am constantly monitoring my actions to stay away from being too self-absorbed and long to be more attentive to those around me.

It’s harder than it sounds because I naturally slip into becoming centre of attention, and as much as I know it, it is the responsibility of others, if the things I do well, become annoying. I can afford to be more sensitive and less on display. I’ve noticed this for a long time when people are starting to get to know me. The fact that I am in the kitchen cooking meals or discussing Buddhism passionately with monks, going to see Luang Por more than anyone else, doing the chanting, singing and entertaining monks alike. I suppose if this were school, I’d be called a swot and would probably have been bullied in the toilets by now. This was the same in Jocasta sometimes. I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever be surrounded by people who are happy about who I am.

After my good cry this morning I felt a weight had lifted and something to be discovered in it’s place. I had a simple veg and rice breakfast and, as I sat down to start eating, the two young women I met at the Abbot’s who helped me with the translation approached me with what looked like a boxed twin tape cassette recorder.

Sure enough I was right, and they told me it is a gift from Luang Por to help me with the work while I’m here. If I want to, I can take it back to England with me. I am quite embarrassed because I don’t want to look spoilt to the others, and I am now meant to be keeping a low profile for my last few days, but I guess it’s up to others to let it come, let it be and let it go. I tell the women to give my thanks to Luang Por and to tell him I’ll think about whether or not to take it home with me. I’d like to take it home because I don’t have one, but I am also worried it might be a test to see how much of greedy person I am. After talking to a few monks, they say that the act of giving in Buddhism is the important part. What the person does with the gift is not important and it will not cross Luang Por’s mind if I take it home.

I also found out from talking to Mrs. Rambhai and Phra Hans that the slap was not an angry one. She said it was a joke and Phra Hans says that it was Luang Por’s way of ‘hitting’ the point home. Like a push from a general to one of his soldiers. Thank God.

As I presumed, my amazing present is not going down too well with the others, but apart from sharing the use of it with them while I am here, there’s nothing else I can do. There are no bad vibes between us but I must try to hide my good fortune.

After our 1 o’clock sauna I have a massage, determined to get my body sorted before I go back to England. This is the most amazing massage I have had in my life. I tell her, in the little Thai that I have learned, about my flat feet, my weak ankles, my lungs and my back and she knows exactly what is wrong with me. The little old Thai lady is over 70 years old and has been doing traditional Thai massage all her life. Before she starts my massage, she makes a prayer, then straight away she starts moving clogged up energy from around my body and I feel like I’d been injected with stars. The massage lasts an hour and a half and every pain I had is gone. I pay her 200 baht which is what she charges for 2 hours. Then I borrow Phra Jan’s dictionary and tell her she has magic. She smiles softly and knowingly and then nods as she walks out of the Hay.

I go straight to the sauna, then play some tunes and meet the new American patient who is struggling with her heroin addiction. It seems so long ago now that it was my first day and I try to make her feel welcome and at ease with walking into what is, at first sight, quite a bizarre experience. She is roasting and will probably rattle like fuck over the next few days, but I’ll be here till Wednesday so I’ll give all the support I can.

I get to meditation on time and manage a good one. I also perform my second Sajja (or vow) with Phra Hans and I chose one to be along the lines that I must only be dependent on myself. After I repeat all the Thai prayers from Ajan Vichien I get the ‘Kattah’, which is a piece of paper with some words for me to chant whenever I want. It acts as a protection to do with the second Sajja. C, the new girl, also does her first sajja which I talk her through a little bit, to soften the blow of uttering words in a foreign language after being 24 hours on a plane and going through withdrawal.

Somehow by 5pm (medicine time) I have taken it upon myself to look after her a bit, as she’s crashing big time, and I know what a drag it is when you’ve not got the energy to even talk to people when you’re wired and out of your mind. It’s painful to watch someone make themselves sick when they’ve not done it before. C was very disorientated, standing in a line of puking drug addicts, and as soon as I saw her eyes darting between our fellow patients and the monks, my heart really fell. I could hear the worry and fear, so I tried to help as much as I could for two reasons.

1. I know I can help & 2. I know I should. It was very hard to make her drink a lot of water and she took a while to work out the concept of what the vomiting does and how it works, but eventually she got enough water down to vomit some of the medicine. I continually held her because she thought she was going to black out.

N thought the tough approach would have been better but she was so fragile, and with so many people that come here, it’s easy to leave after the first taste of it. C is my age and comes from America, and after N and I have left there will be few English patients to my knowledge, so I figured it was important to get her feeling as at home as possible. I realize how lucky I was to have 2 scots, a couple of Londoners and an Irishman as fellow patients on my first day.

After she couldn’t take any more, Natalie and I walked her back to the girls dormitory where she went to bed. I hope she will be ok tomorrow. I was concerned that, because she did not throw all the medicine up, there was a possibility of throwing up in her sleep. But Natalie said it had never happened to her when she was a patient, and I guess the medicine comes from such a divine source that something like that couldn’t happen anyway. I had a nice chat with Natalie, who I feel a bit closer to now. I got the feeling she didn’t like me very much at first and maybe she doesn’t still, but I get a good vibe off her now and love talking to her. She is very calming to have around and is a good listener too. I like her a lot.

N has finally decided to leave tomorrow and I sense the worry in him. J and I talk to him for a while, all of us talking about our own fears of going back home. In my heart I feel very strong for him and I know his head’s in the right place. I hope I’m right. His energy and sense of fun is ready to serve up and I hope he is delivered safely. He’s a great guy and I’ll miss him very much.

I support these organisations who are shaping a system change to integrate mental health awareness and well-being into the music industry. Please do read about their work.

The Creative Well
Music Mind Matters
Waterbear College of Music