Chapter 18: Walking Through Walls
A Journey of Addiction, Healing, and Rediscovery
Day Eighteen: Tuesday September 2nd, 2003
Let it come, Let it be, let it go
Flying higher, higher than a bird,
Into something, something I’ve never heard of
Your smile brought me back from the dead
As a wise old man came to me and said…
Let it come, let it be, let it go
But since you came it’s not the same
I thought I had to let you know
‘cause I’m leaving on a plane
leaving all your sun, your rain
I let you come, I let you be, can I let you go?
I’m hearing the beating of your heart
Set the rhythm to the song I want to start
I pray it never ends
Like nature finds a way
A way to carry on
Let it come, let it be let it go
But since you came it’s not the same
I thought I had to let you know
Let it come, let it be, let it go
Cause I’m leaving on a plane
Leaving all your sun, your rain
I let you come, I let you be, can I let you go?
Today has been the best day yet. In the morning I had fantastic conversations with Miss Rambhai and Phra Hans about the monastery. I payed my respects to Luang Por’s brother, the previous Abbot, and his sister Luang Por ‘Yai’. They are both embalmed in a private temple.
I have arrived at the conclusion that I would like to be a monk. But it is impossible for me to do that. If you’re a monk in Thamkrabok, you cannot dedicate the sort of time I need to give to composition, writing and recording. Monks here have to devote their focus to the community and their own development based on the precepts.
Phra Hans suggests I could still practice ‘Lokutara’ (the Thamkrabok Dharma) and make some of the Sajjas the monks make, without having to actually ordain as a monk.
I really don’t want to leave the monastery next Wednesday. Mainly because I am extremely happy and a bit because of fear of facing everything. And everyone. I would like for this to be a second home and somehow spend time here regularly. I’ve got to start making money soon, or it will never happen. I know this and I’m ready for it. Today I wrote the best song I’ve written for years, inspired by many things and people here. It’s called “Let it come, Let it be, Let it go” and that kind of sums it up. I felt so proud of it that I asked N if he could spare the time for a chat and a chance to play my new song.
We talked for a long time about lots of issues. He is so sussed about the being a recovering drug addict. He really has helped enormously with pointing out a few home truths that I had not considered. After we talk, I feel armed with extra ammunition to combat any darkness that comes into me or out of me. He asks me to play the song, which I do, and he is sincerely blown away and says “it’s a hit”. It’s what I was thinking, but hadn’t dared to admit until his reaction. He has been an amazing supportive friend through all this and I will miss him, but we’ll keep in touch I hope.
I have begun to draw a picture of Luang Por Yai by Stonehenge. And I’ve kind of made a mini shrine to her in the room. After all, she is the woman who began Thamkrabok and had the vision that revealed the recipe for the medicine. I feel warmth to look at her picture. And I’m presently writing with candle light between her and me. At this stage, I don’t want to leave, but I know I must. I’m imagining a rough plan because I know how fickle fate can be. I really should go back, make enough money to keep me ticking over, record my album, have a modicum of success to fund the treatment centre at Thamkrabok and then start looking to build a home here, near Thamkrabok.
I don’t mean it morbidly, but I would quite like to spend the last years of my life here. To prepare for death, in a way. Which is a healthy thing to do for one’s karma.
Anyway, as I said: Fate is fickle.
I support these organisations who are shaping a system change to integrate mental health awareness and well-being into the music industry. Please do read about their work.
The Creative Well
Music Mind Matters
Waterbear College of Music