Chapter 17: Walking Through Walls
A Journey of Addiction, Healing, and Rediscovery
Day Seventeen: Monday September 1st, 2003
Today has been a very good day. Got up at 5am to join the others for the morning sweep which I actually enjoyed, not to mention 5 minutes drama as one strung out Thai patient crossed the boundary of the compound to escape, got caught, and was prodded back to his room by two monks who instantly put on their quite unbelievably believable ‘scary faces’. Very amusing. After gathering up all the leaves left by the rain, I went straight back to bed until 8am for sing-a-long national anthem, at the end of which I managed a high octave to the final note. Unfortunately, it made the others burst into hysterics.
I was just on my way to breakfast when I remembered I volunteered to take medicine and take part in the vomiting at 9.30am. I was starving, but knew it was a bad idea to eat before a puke. Sure enough, nearly 200 people turn up for the show and I’m really up for it, since I’ve been singing songs in the courtyard by the pool all morning as well as swimming and doing exercises.
The medicine man arrives bang on time, as ever, and I am the first to drink his magical potion, therefore becoming the one who has the medicine in his stomach the longest. I start throwing up jets of water mixed with medicine. After chucking up over a dozen times, I stop to breathe, then drink more water. N takes the things out of my pocket for me so they don’t get wet. I finish off and feel good. Not great, but just ok.
I carry on swimming and S shows me how to do some exercises for the chest. I reckon it’s time for something to eat so I go to the kitchen and make vegetable tempura with rice. I sat with S and Natalie to start eating but only got through a mouthful before I started feeling really rough. After lying in bed for 10 minutes I realised that the medicine was not all out of my system so I had to go and puke again in the toilet. After vomiting again for another 10 minutes, I am back to normal, thank God.
I have realised that I am a person with quite a slow digestive system, therefore taking longer than some of the others at digesting the water. I will bear this in mind in future. I slept a good hour after that and went to sauna, which really helped sweat off the rest of whatever impurities had been brought out of me.
After the sauna I spent a few hours finishing my song and talking with a Thai woman and a young monk from Switzerland. She has a good understanding of English, even though her vocabulary is not extensive. Nevertheless, we understand each other and she tells me she has been at the monastery for 8 years and has not seen her family in North Thailand since she came. Luang Por told her to stay because she had a weak heart when she was younger, and the Abbot has kept her healthy all this time by sharing Thamkrabok’s unique healing practices. The Swiss monk is very nice and was once a patient here. We were all sitting by the pool and she told me that she used to play guitar, but even after half an hour of tempting her into singing a Thai song, she kept saying to “wait till tomorrow”. Shyness is something that I have not seen here before and it’s nice to meet someone who does not feel the need to show their entire being, as many of us do (all the time!).
She has a sadness in a way. I have always been drawn to women who carry an inner sadness. I wonder why. I don’t pretend to imagine I can offer meaningful solace to anybody in this world, but I always feel comfortable with women like that when they are around me. Anyway, it’s good to make a friend. She says she must go to work, building with other lay people in the monastery. We say goodbye and I suddenly realise I am 10 minutes late for Meditation.
I arrive at the Sajja temple with everyone else and Phra Hans arrives late as well.
We sit down and, even though I have promised myself not to, I begin to quiz him on all things Buddhist about the history of the monastery. It is over an hour before we start the meditation as I became a greedy sponge, eager to soak up everything he has learnt. His presence is truly inspiring to me and I admire his wisdom. His talk is so fascinating that it really felt like I was talking to a master at last. I know he is below Luang Por in his path to enlightenment but his value to me is still very special. He talks of Luang Por and his family for a long time and says that Luang Por feels like a father to many people, even though he has no children, and has even said he is a father to people without fathers.
Phra Hans knows my background and I don’t know if what he said was pointed or not, but it did touch me. I would never ask someone to assume a paternal role for me, but I think if someone I loved offered it to me, I would accept. Phra Hans constantly makes me aware of my own emotional and psychological make-up. He makes me ask questions about myself and by asking what if such and such happened? How would I feel? It’s a good way to get to the truth of who you are and what really lies in our hearts when challenged with the world around us.
‘A’ has just seen a Thai female patient arrive. He came in first to tell me what a wonderful person Phra Hans is after having a long talk with him. Now he is in the courtyard constructing a beautiful garland for the girl next door. Something harmonious is being created in the Hay (the patient’s area) and I think it might be Phra Hans casting spells. It’s a beautiful thing to see the French macho loudmouth who only talks of girls, motorbikes and guns to be reduced to a romantic puppy. If it is not Phra Hans then it’s the jasmine in the air. It’s intoxicating. After the evening sauna we all settled down to watch 6 episodes of Mr Bean and I was in “Top Range” hysterics for the whole thing. I laughed till I was on the floor like a bloody maniac. It was great.
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to explain it, but Thamkrabok is truly magical. It is Tolkien, it is C.S Lewis, it is Star Wars and it is King Arthur. I am in love with it.
I support these organisations who are shaping a system change to integrate mental health awareness and well-being into the music industry. Please do read about their work.
The Creative Well
Music Mind Matters
Waterbear College of Music