Chapter 16: Walking Through Walls
A Journey of Addiction, Healing, and Rediscovery
Day Sixteen: Sunday August 31st, 2003
I had a dream I fell in love with a girl in a mental home. We were on swings in the playground and she looked a lot like Penelope Cruz, but the whole time I knew it was someone else, but I do not know who. My mother and brother were there too.
Had a mostly relaxed day today since my toe was hurting from slipping on the mud and cutting it last night, not to mention my broken tooth which finally fell out last night. Although there was no blood or pain. Between English, German, French and Thai, my communication skills are getting better, despite appearing deaf at times through simply not registering what other people say, but I have always had that problem. My mother used to say(as a joke) that I had selective hearing.
I spent a lot of time working on a new song today, singing melodies from one of the rock tracings and some lyrics that Luang Por gave me to use. The song is called “The Stars Around The Moon” which is one of the lines from his text. The text in its English translation is very basic, so I have developed it into a more lyrical style and the outcome is a beautiful ballad somewhere between Billie Holiday and Jeff Buckley. I have only completed the first verse, bridge and chorus as usual. I know the rest will come easily tomorrow. The words that Luang Por has given me make me feel quite sad as they are about his loneliness. Over 40 years as a monk is a real stretch of the imagination as far as loneliness is concerned.
I watch the stars around the moon, when nobody’s lying beside me
I watch the stars around the moon, and I know she will see but won’t find me
I’ve been getting on with the others well as J and A are now becoming more serious about the change we are all facing. N came here a day before me so we have been fairly in tune with each other with the progress we have been making. Today, two Thai girls joined us, only one of them actually here for treatment, the other, her sister, has come to support. I do not know what she’s being treated for but we all went to their first vomiting to show support. It was very hard for her as it often is at first. For starters, you can feel quite embarrassed and awkward about throwing up in front of people. Until you hear them start to cheer for you or clap, one feels rather foolish. Being the only female must have inflamed the situation for her and it was plain to see in her eyes as she peered out at us watching after a first vomit. I kept smiling reassuringly so that she would know we had all been through it and it’s not a big deal. As is normal for a new patient, she was the last to finish and very exhausted by the whole event, but she started smiling back at me in what I saw as her expressing acknowledgement of the ludicrous situation she, and all of us were in.
Natalie helped her through the whole ordeal and it was great to feel the whole group being so caring to a new-comer. I think I am expected to do it in the show tomorrow. I’m apprehensive about it because I don’t want to experience the after effect that sometimes occurs if you don’t expel all of the medicine and poison. But we shall see.
Had a great sauna that was overshadowed by the sad news that Peter’s dog had passed away today. I spent some time with the dog on Friday when she was already very ill and got her to stop coughing for a while. Although it’s obviously her time to go, Peter seemed quite upset and confused. He’ll be ok though. After the Sauna I slept for an hour to ease the pain from my toe, after which I joined the others to watch a bit of ‘Terminator’ with them. I’m counting this rainy weather as precious time, as when it’s hot I can’t get comfortable and concentrate. Rain here is so refreshing, unlike England, in a city where it’s just inconvenient.
I have just lit incense and candles and made everyone’s bed to make a nice atmosphere for when the others return from the film. One by one, everyone here is leaving before I will leave, which is a good way to wean me off my last dependence, i.e: people. Slowly I am spending more time on my own without drugs, without films and now without a backup audience to rely on. It’s good for me and now all that is left is the food, and I even abstained from my usual pre-sleep pig-out. I must interrupt myself at this point as Metta, the magnificent and very funny monk from next door has just this minute walked in and given us all a slice of his birthday cake from yesterday.
It’s funny, but all week when I have stopped myself from pursuing something I want, it invariably arrives into my hands via a different route. Whether it’s been money coupons, food or beautiful tunes. Trying to get things through desperate yearning does not yield positive results. But letting it happen does. I am going to bed now with the sound of Luang Por singing on the stereo, backed only by the rain outside my window. Just as we are all going to bed, all is silent until a new sound enters the room. From next door we hear the laughter of girls. Nothing untoward in me noticing this, but it has been two weeks since I have heard this particular sound. Phra Jan and I shuffle through the puddles to see what is happening. The new girl and her elder sister are just sitting on the floor smoking cigarettes and chatting. I do not know if it’s my upbringing in a home with two mums, but I feel much more at ease knowing there are women in the next room. I love the guys but it’s more like being on tour with my band than being at home. It’s only 10 o’clock and I am so ready for sleep. I hope I can make it.
“Let it come, let it be, let it go…” - Phra Hans
I support these organisations who are shaping a system change to integrate mental health awareness and well-being into the music industry. Please do read about their work.
The Creative Well
Music Mind Matters
Waterbear College of Music